Monthly Archives: April 2010

A Tiny Rant and a Rave

Oh, poor, sad neglected blog – I haven’t missed you at all.

Seriously.  Every time I’ve thought to write a post, I’ve restrained, mostly because I think it would involve my head exploding.  The reality is that the wonderful, blossomy, happy days of the second trimester are over.  And I am the ultimate crabby person.  There’s nothing like pregnancy hormones to humble you into the realization that you can, in fact, be a horrible person.

Example:

Stranger in the grocery store: Wow, how much longer do you have left?

Me: Two months.

Stranger: You’re about to pop.  How much bigger can you get?

Me: (Head explodes).  Er…thanks.

**Public Service Announcement: The only appropriate comment on a pregnant woman’s appearance is “You look fantastic!”  Or something similarly untrue but flattering.**

More examples:

Husband: Hon, can you give me a hand…

Me: (Head explodes).  Mmm-hmmm.

G: Mom, I need you to…

Me: (Head explodes).  Just a minute.

Sun: Beams down on me, giving me a beautiful day.

Me: Head explodes.

Yes, it is that absurd.  Really, July can’t come soon enough – for me or my poor family.  The best I can do is try to laugh at the funny parts.  That, and relax.  I still do this relaxation/breathing preparation for labor DVD most afternoons.  It goes something like this:

Woman on the video who is supposedly in her third trimester but looks like she simply had too much fettuccine for dinner last night: Breathe.  Picture your baby’s face.

Me: Trying to inhale and exhale deeply.

E: Tackles me from behind and gives me a bear hug.

Me: Thanks, sweetie, but mommy (inhale) needs a little space right now (exhale).

Fake pregnant woman: That’s right.  Breathing is so important during labor and delivery.

G: Giggles.  Bumps E out of the way.

E: Fake cry.

Me: G, please leave mommy’s bottom alone.  (inhale)

G: More giggles.  E tries to climb over my shoulder.

Me: Moves up on a chair to be out of reach.  (exhale)

G: I need to get up on that chair right now.

Fake pregnant woman: A relaxed mom is a happy mom.

This usually ends with the sounds of two little boys fighting over a truck drowning out the calm wind chime soundtrack and fake pregnant woman’s voice.  The bonus of this exercise is not that I feel more relaxed (which I don’t), but I usually can laugh at how ridiculous the whole thing is.  And then we all go get a snack and read a story together.  Though I try to avoid the picture book I just checked out from the library called “Grump”.  It’s too convicting.

So, online friends, I may hibernate away for the next few months, only poking my head out to indulge in a rant about someone else telling me I must have twins in there.  Or to share a laugh with you.  Which is the rave part of this post.  This Awkward Situation Survival Guide had me nearly in tears.  And if you don’t find it funny, or if it offends you, or whatever – don’t tell me, just chalk it up to pregnancy hormones.  Otherwise, my head might explode.

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