A Tiny Rant and a Rave

Oh, poor, sad neglected blog – I haven’t missed you at all.

Seriously.  Every time I’ve thought to write a post, I’ve restrained, mostly because I think it would involve my head exploding.  The reality is that the wonderful, blossomy, happy days of the second trimester are over.  And I am the ultimate crabby person.  There’s nothing like pregnancy hormones to humble you into the realization that you can, in fact, be a horrible person.

Example:

Stranger in the grocery store: Wow, how much longer do you have left?

Me: Two months.

Stranger: You’re about to pop.  How much bigger can you get?

Me: (Head explodes).  Er…thanks.

**Public Service Announcement: The only appropriate comment on a pregnant woman’s appearance is “You look fantastic!”  Or something similarly untrue but flattering.**

More examples:

Husband: Hon, can you give me a hand…

Me: (Head explodes).  Mmm-hmmm.

G: Mom, I need you to…

Me: (Head explodes).  Just a minute.

Sun: Beams down on me, giving me a beautiful day.

Me: Head explodes.

Yes, it is that absurd.  Really, July can’t come soon enough – for me or my poor family.  The best I can do is try to laugh at the funny parts.  That, and relax.  I still do this relaxation/breathing preparation for labor DVD most afternoons.  It goes something like this:

Woman on the video who is supposedly in her third trimester but looks like she simply had too much fettuccine for dinner last night: Breathe.  Picture your baby’s face.

Me: Trying to inhale and exhale deeply.

E: Tackles me from behind and gives me a bear hug.

Me: Thanks, sweetie, but mommy (inhale) needs a little space right now (exhale).

Fake pregnant woman: That’s right.  Breathing is so important during labor and delivery.

G: Giggles.  Bumps E out of the way.

E: Fake cry.

Me: G, please leave mommy’s bottom alone.  (inhale)

G: More giggles.  E tries to climb over my shoulder.

Me: Moves up on a chair to be out of reach.  (exhale)

G: I need to get up on that chair right now.

Fake pregnant woman: A relaxed mom is a happy mom.

This usually ends with the sounds of two little boys fighting over a truck drowning out the calm wind chime soundtrack and fake pregnant woman’s voice.  The bonus of this exercise is not that I feel more relaxed (which I don’t), but I usually can laugh at how ridiculous the whole thing is.  And then we all go get a snack and read a story together.  Though I try to avoid the picture book I just checked out from the library called “Grump”.  It’s too convicting.

So, online friends, I may hibernate away for the next few months, only poking my head out to indulge in a rant about someone else telling me I must have twins in there.  Or to share a laugh with you.  Which is the rave part of this post.  This Awkward Situation Survival Guide had me nearly in tears.  And if you don’t find it funny, or if it offends you, or whatever – don’t tell me, just chalk it up to pregnancy hormones.  Otherwise, my head might explode.

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13 Comments

Filed under Just for Fun

13 responses to “A Tiny Rant and a Rave

  1. Aaron

    Awkward Situation Survival Guide had me near tears as well. Perhaps the next time someone comments on your girth you could simply reply with “Bap” or slowly lean in and lick their eyeball. I’m sure they’ll understand. Or at least leave you alone. I’d hate to be the grocery worker who gets the call: “Clean up on aisle 4, bits of head on the floor, human not cabbage.”

  2. Heather

    Random people in grocery stores… proves the point that everyone is entitled to be stupid, however some just abuse that privilege.

    Spring-boarding off of the “lick eyeball” suggestion (I might try that out on my husband when he annoys me), there’s nothing more terrifying than the glower of a pregnant woman in her third trimester. Simply set your laser eyes from “stun” to “kill.”
    They will walk (or run) away. Works. Every. Time.

  3. marissaburt

    Heather – Ha! I’ll have to remember this. Because, yes, I (literally) can crush them.

  4. marissaburt

    Cabbage-head. Ha.

  5. Oh, WORD. I’ve reached the “must be any day now, right?” phase, too. And the unsolicited belly rub. Since when is it OK to accost a stranger and touch them? Ugh. Also love the loving husband questions such as “are you sure you won’t rather have a banana instead of a fourth brownie?”

  6. marissaburt

    Emily – I’m so glad you can relate. And Ha! to the husband comments. Aaron knows better this time around. The most he’ll do is give me an indulgent smile if I pull out a carton of ice cream and a spoon. Anything more, and he would get the laser eyes of death.

  7. Marissa,

    In regards to Emily’s comment, strangers touching your belly is so wrong! Ick!!! Someone did that to me once in an elevator and I thought I might die. It was a nice older lady, so I didn’t say anything, but gah!!…hands off the merchandise!

    You’ll be there soon! Hang in there! You gotta book deal though, so think about that every time you feel your head on the verge of exploding! 🙂

    xoxo — Hilary

  8. Christy

    Love the rant. I would like to witness a head explosion (as long as someone else was the cause, of course), for research purposes. You never know what fodder the next novel will need.

    You look fantastic, by the way. 😉

  9. marissaburt

    Christy – You get an A+ for the “fantastic”.

  10. marissaburt

    Aw, thanks Hilary. And you’re right. A book deal is definitely head-soothing.

  11. Oh my gosh, I LOVE this post and I can relate on so many levels. I was laughing out loud about the fake pregnant woman on the DVDs. Hilarious. This is EXACTLY what I needed to read after practically ripping my entire family’s head off on Mother’s Day. Thanks for this Marissa!

  12. marissaburt

    L – At least we can be grumpy together. Ha! Hang in there!

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